Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a concept that has been around for thousands of years and has deep spiritual roots. The scriptures of all the great religions have extensive teachings on forgiveness.  In the Bible the word “forgive” is literally translated, “to cancel a debt.”  The Bible also teaches that forgiveness of sin is freely offered by God based on God’s unconditional love of humanity.  Forgiveness, even of one’s enemies, is a primary tenet of Christianity, Judaism and Islam. 

Current research indicates that forgiveness aids in the healing process.  Practicing forgiveness helps us heal broken relationships, deal with the pain of grief and loss, and aids in recovery from chemical dependency (Denton, 2000).  Women who have been emotionally abused experienced greater improvement with PTSD, depression, and anxiety through forgiveness therapy than those treated with alternative therapies (Reed & Enright, 2006).  Forgiveness therapy has also been found effective in dealing with anger, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem in those recovering from chemical dependency (Lin, Mack, Enright, Krahn, & Baskin, 2004).  Forgiveness can aid in repairing broken marital relationships (Belcher, Morano, & DeForge, 2004). 

There are frequent misconceptions about what forgiveness involves.  The following points address some of the important issues about forgiveness:    

 

1. Forgiveness is a choice

Many persons believe they need to feel something in order to forgive. “I’m just not ready to forgive,” is a favorite saying.  However, feelings are not always a reliable barometer for action. Feelings are often based on irrational thoughts.  Forgiveness is a choice one makes in order to break free from the painful ties that bind one to the past.  We choose to forgive despite the pain.

 

2. Forgiveness benefits the forgiver

When we experience pain it becomes our basis for self destructive feelings and behaviors.  It may trigger feelings of low self worth--even self loathing. We blame ourselves for the wrongs we have suffered. “If I was a different person this wouldn’t have happened.”  

Blame and shame are constant companions. They are often the source of intense anger toward the person who inflicted the pain or toward oneself. Such resentment inhibits our ability to relate to others. We become extremely negative, cold and withdrawn.  Genuine forgiveness starts with self acceptance. Self acceptance is rooted in the knowledge that, “In my essence, I possess the same humanity as others, and the hurt inflicted upon me only reflects the inhumanity of the abuser.  Forgiveness allows me to see beyond my pain and the inhumanity of my abuser and see that I deserve happiness, joy and love. “

 

3. Forgiveness is a personal action

Forgiveness is a personal decision to let go of the past.  It does not require the agreement, acceptance, consent, or approval of anyone else, including the offender. “I decide that the pain of the past will no longer restrict my enjoyment of the present and my expectations for the future.  Forgiveness is my declaration of ownership over my life.  I am not required to inform or notify the offender.”  

It may help in the recovery to have a safe person or support group to share your experience.  Your action steps may include asking God for help to deal with the anger, pain, and hurt that is stored inside you.  “If I have been the guilty one, I will seek forgiveness for my mistakes and make amends where possible.  If I have been victimized, writing a forgiveness letter to the offender in which I detail the hurt and pain and end with my decision to forgive as a gift to myself can be an effective tool.”

 

4. Forgiveness is a process

Although it starts with a decision, forgiveness often requires a period of time to take effect and create a new reality.  Many people are baffled by the fact that their decision to forgive is not followed by instantaneous relief.  Consequently, they believe that the experience was not genuine.  Particularly if a pain has deeply infected someone for a long time it will be difficult to simply “let go.”  The memory of that action or series of actions and the painful feelings associated with them have created a pathway in our psyche that keeps pulling us back into old feelings and actions.  It is like the root of a weed that keeps growing every time it is uprooted. One has to keep at it until every vestige of the root is gone.  

Similarly, the work of forgiveness has to go on until the pain associated with the memory is finally gone.  One effective means to accomplish this is to keep a daily journal and spend a half hour each day reflecting on the benefits of forgiveness.  Reflect on the freedom from the pain of the past, your ability to engage in fulfilling relationships by letting go of your fear and embracing hope.  Make a list of things you are grateful for in your life; add to that list daily.

Whenever the memories threaten to return, remind yourself you made a decision to forgive as a gift to you. Take time pray and reflect on God’s unconditional love and acceptance of you. 

 

5. Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Reconciliation is not a prerequisite for forgiveness.

Forgiveness may or may not include reconciliation.  There are many cases where any attempt at reconciliation would only result in further spiritual, emotional, and even physical pain.  The fact that I have forgiven someone does nothing to change him/her.  This also means that I do not have to wait until the person deserves my forgiveness; they may never be worthy.  Therefore, reconciliation is a personal decision based on one’s own unique circumstances.

 

References

Belcher, J. R., Morano, C., & DeForge, B. R. (2004). Treating Resistant Couples: The Use of Forgiveness in Conservative Christian and Jewish Traditions. Family Therapy, 31(2), 71-85.
Denton, R. T., Martin, Michael W., (2000). Defining Forgiveness: An emperical definifiton of process and role. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 26, 281 - 292.
Lin, W.-F., Mack, D., Enright, R. D., Krahn, D., & Baskin, T. W. (2004). Effects of Forgiveness Therapy on Anger, Mood, and Vulnerability to Substance Use Among Inpatient Substance-Dependent Clients. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 72(6), 1114-1121.
Reed, G. L., & Enright, R. D. (2006). The effects of forgiveness therapy on depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress for women after spousal emotional abuse. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(5), 920-929.

© Conroy Reynolds, 2007