Can someone who has hurt me ever be considered safe?

There are many reasons why people begin abusing their intimate partner. Both men and women can be abusive in intimate relationships. Many individuals wonder when it is safe to get back together again with their partner after there has been abuse. This is difficult to ascertain since many abusers may appear to have sincerely repented, only to return to abusive behaviors once ensconced in their familiar environment. A person who abuses others has a moral and spiritual responsibility to tackle this issue with those who can help him or her: therapists, treatment groups, etc. It is the responsibility of the abused to find help for themselves as well, so they will not continue to be harmed or allow harm to their children. Pushing back, or requiring the abuser to get help before he or she can be allowed back into the home is often what prompts the abuser to comply with treatment.

Here are guidelines to help you know if the person who has hurt you should be welcomed back to the family. All of these things should be in place before someone who has hurt you is considered “safe.”

1. They have gained insight about how they developed into abusers. This may mean that they have participated in therapy, or through reflection, are able to explain what has prompted them to turn to abuse as a way to get their needs met and relate to intimate others.

2. They learn and practice new skills for anger management, intimacy enhancement communication, self-expression, and relationship maintenance.  An abuser who has made an about-face should be actively involved in learning and trying to put to use good solid interpersonal skills that are devoid of coercion and intimidation. Instead, the abuser expresses an openness and curiosity about new ways of being.

 

3. They readily admit they have been abusers and that their natural manner of relating is to behave in abusive ways.  The denial and minimization about the extent and impact of their behavior on others is no longer present.

4. They attempt to right their wrongs to the abused through seeking forgiveness and remuneration of losses.  There is a new sense of humbleness about what they have done to others. This is not a groveling, handwringing type of grief. It is an attitude that can be represented by the following comment:  “I have behaved in this relationship in abusive, controlling, intimidating, and unsafe ways. I want to compensate for that in whatever way I am capable right now.”  This may take the form of paying for a his wife’s therapy, making it possible for her, a previously “trapped at home” woman, to go to school or get a job. He will be willing to take over household responsibilities in order to free her up to pursue whatever she desires outside the home.

5. Abusers will encourage the abused to take whatever steps are required to feel safe and to aid in personal growth.  The abuser will respect the partner’s need for a period of sexual abstinence after having been coerced into undesirable sexual activities with the abuser or losing sexual interest because of physical or emotional abuse. Trust must be regained first. Abusers also recognize that their victim(s) may need to withhold information after having been forced to reveal every thought, act, or whereabouts to the abuser. Other victims may wish to completely absent themselves from the abuser for a time until they feel strong enough to rebuild the relationship. An abuser who is in recovery will respect the victim’s needs and will not press or harass them into healing in the way the abuser thinks they should. In other words, the needs of the victim will be put first.

6. A series of checks and balances will be arranged so the abuser will be accountable for his/her actions. S/he will intently adhere to this arrangement by participating in an abuser group, therapy, and/or utilizing support of friends and community. In other words, s/he is aware that s/he has been in a closed system without any accountability. The abuser now asks others to help manage himself/herself if necessary. This abuser will not say things like, “Let’s just go back to how we were before.”  The accountability issue is enormous, and a recovering abuser takes full advantage of whatever emotional resources are available to them.

7. Grief work will be completed or at least started.  An abuser will have plenty to grieve: how much their behavior has cost the abuser and their relationships; the pain they have caused the family; and how difficult normal social and emotional development has been for the family members while being preoccupied with enduring the abuse. The abuser will discuss these failings with the partner and children and seek to find ways to grow with them as they change (and seek their forgiveness). This is sad, hard work. Healthy working through is evidenced by expression of remorse and the individual engaging in their own grief work, rather than frequently reminding the family of how sad they feel, how despondent their behavior makes them feel, etc. (These latter behaviors forces the family into taking care of the abuser, rather than the abuser taking responsibility for the consequences of their own behavior).

8. New, realistic personal, relational, and family goals will be created. To say, “I’ll never hit her again” is a good goal, but it isn’t good enough to stop there. It is a naïve promise that shows that the abuser thinks abuse was only about hitting or yelling. If an abuser is serious about not abusing again, she will negotiate with family members for what each individual needs and wants out of a relationship with her. There may need to be new rules about what behaviors will not be tolerated by the family, or what the abuser will need to do if she feels that she is reaching a dangerous level of intensity. Everything is renegotiated openly, either formally with a therapist, or in private with each individual.

9. Abusers will mentally turn over a new leaf in their relationships.  Abusers who are not serious will say things like, “Why can’t we just go back to how we were?” Changed abusers will realize that such a course is unsafe and undesirable—without hope of lasting change. Most who are really serious about changing will seek out a therapist to broker new rules and roles in their relationships.

10. Abusers will seek either spiritual healing or growth, especially in light of their need for forgiveness and ability to adhere to their recovery plan. It is a rare abuser who has not reached for some sort of new life philosophy to guide or strengthen them as they make such drastic emotional and life changes. Almost every life assumption is challenged in recovery, and all the pain of their past seems to beg for resolution. So it is not surprising that most need a new way of giving meaning to their lives. Those who believe in God most value a sense of forgiveness and hope that they can become different people with God’s (or a Higher Power’s) empowerment.

Adapted from Understanding Intimate Violence (1999), Barbara Couden, ed. Review & Herald Publishing.

 

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